Source Of All Joy
by gracie3
Summary: Severus Snape has never had a happy life. His is life, love, loss, and the hardest decisions. This fic is pretty tame for now, but it will get romantic-sexy-violent-sad in later parts. I promise.
1. Part One: Origins

Disclaimer: I don't own anything to do with Harry Potter; he and all his friendly friends belong to the extremely talented J.K. Rowling.

Note: My first Harry Potter fic in a long, long time. It really doesn't have much to do with Harry: it is a Snape-fic. Enjoy. Radixa Laetitia means "source of all joy" which of course gives the fic its title. Snape's father's name, Iugo, is pronounced Hugo, and is Latin for "abuse".

Source of All Joy

            In the poor ward at St. Mungo's a young woman was in labor. She was a small thing, delicate and too frail for the giant bulging belly that protruded out in front of her. Her dark hair was plastered to her sweating face, and her teeth were bared in an agony of pain. She was breathing hard, groaning, and struggling to give birth.

            The birthing Healers stood around the girl, faces anxious and making no efforts to hide their fear. "She's too young for this," one of the Healers murmured. "I never thought she'd make it even this far."

            The other Healers shushed him. "Hush, Auguste," one of them said. "Don't frighten the poor thing any more."

            "Sorry, Vivian," Auguste Pellwyck apologized, and turned his attention back to the girl. "Come now, darling, it's almost over."

            He turned to one of the assistant Healers. "Go fetch the father in," he ordered. "This baby is coming _now_."

            A renewed scream issued from the poor girl and the Healers gathered around her again. "Push, Lila," Vivian Smethley coaxed. "Come now, take my hand and push."

            "I will die," Lila rasped, voice harsh and grating. "I will die now, and you cannot stop me."

            "Oh, don't talk like that," Vivian said, trying to make her voice light and comforting. But inside she knew; she could see the desperate gleam in the girl's beautiful green eyes. "You are but eighteen years old, child."

            Lila Evans gritted her teeth and pushed. She wanted no comfort now. Iugo would not come; he did not care that she was giving birth to his child. To him, Lila Evans had been a drunken decision he made after a falling-out with his wife. Then when she had found out she was pregnant, Iugo had abandoned her. And that had been the end of the greatest mistake she ever made. Iugo Snape did not want her nor love her. He had his wife, that woman Aura.

            A brutal burning sensation overtook her, and Lila screamed again. "One last push!" Auguste called anxiously. "Push, girl! _Push_!"

            And she did. And with that final push Lila Evans delivered her son. She fell backwards, exhausted, not even remotely happy to hear the frantic cries of her baby. He was handed to her, squalling, red-faced, and unloved. "What is his name?" Vivian asked quietly, holding a quill to inscribe the child's name in the records.

            Lila looked at the baby in her arms. "Severus," she said. "Severus Snape."

His name meant cruelty.

During the night a tall man came. He wore a swirling, silky black cloak, and he took the baby from the hospital. Iugo Snape had no other children besides this bastard son, and in the morning Lila was a free woman again.

Two weeks later they found her dead in an alley, lying in a pool of blood, her wrists slit. Her broken wand was next to her.

A little boy sat in the corner of the cramped living room, holding a small wand. It of course had no magical power in it; it was simply a stick of wood. But he stabbed the air with it, pretending to battle Dark wizards and witches and unimaginable creatures, saving the world.

"Severus, kindly _stop_ waving that wand around!" Aura Snape snapped at her four-year-old son. "You'll break something."

Severus put his hand down and looked at his mother. Even as a child he could judge her quite shrewdly. She was a tall, thin, unsmiling woman who seemed quite incapable of love, and acted so. He could not remember being hugged by this woman in his entire life. Of course, who would want to be? She didn't seem like the type of woman who was inclined to hug a child. Severus imagined with a shudder what it must be like: bones and angles everywhere.

A knock at the door indicated his father's arrival from the Ministry of Magic, where he worked as an Auror. Aura opened the door and received her husband's cloak rather than an embrace. But she was accustomed to this cold greeting: it was her husband's style. "Hello, Aura," Iugo said carelessly.

"Hello, Iugo," Aura greeted him back just as coldly.

Iugo placed an absentminded pat on his son's head and seated himself at the table. "I'm starving," he said plainly.

"Oh." Aura went hastily into the kitchen. "Well, I'll have Binky whip something up." She gestured to the little house-elf in the kitchen with her. "Get on with it, then."

Binky, with her large tennis-ball eyes, resembled the closest thing to a pet Severus had ever had. She was the only one who treated the boy kindly. Binky took pity on him, her heart ached for him; she knew he knew he wasn't loved. She allowed him to have his fantasy games and play with the forbidden potions items his father kept locked in the basement of their house. Binky noticed the boy had an unusual flair for potions as well as an unparalleled skill with spells. She knew, of course, that if either Master or Mistress knew she was allowing the boy to touch these forbidden things she would be handed clothes immediately and sent out to fend for herself in the world. But she loved that little boy desperately, for some illogical reason, and she let it master her. Better someone should love him in secret than not at all. It was to Binky that Severus came with his hurts and ills. Aura was a fool, Binky thought, not a mother type at all. And Iugo… well, no one could expect him to care about much besides himself and his career. It seemed he had taken a wife and a home as an afterthought. And he showed absolutely no pride in his son, who would have made any father proud. The only ideal he impressed upon his son was that no wizard was a legitimate wizard unless he was pureblood.

From her place in the kitchen, Binky observed Severus. He was a strikingly good-looking little boy, with soft, dark brown eyes and thick black hair that Aura had allowed to grow longer than was usual on boys, but it was through neglect Severus rarely had a haircut. Binky cut his hair herself, but she thought it was such lovely hair that she let it grow for a while and did not undertake the task too often. He had a pleasing voice, even at four, and was solemn and logical. His answers to things were succinct and well-put, and he impressed his elders with his wit and wisdom. His nose was larger than usual, but it was attractive simply because it was his. She was aware that he would be great when he was older.

Supper was quiet and tense, as usual, and Severus sat looking back and forth at his parents with big, deep eyes flickering with fear. He didn't want his father to raise his voice tonight. That was the one time when he was afraid. When his father raised his voice to scream and yell and hit his mother, who did her share of screaming back.

Iugo seated himself by the fire with a large bottle of Firebrand's Best Whiskey and gestured to his son to seat himself at the piano, a Muggle curiosity that sat in the room and took up half of it, and that Severus was taught to play by a Muggle expert at the Ministry. He had been playing for a year now, and had displayed incredible prowess beyond his years at it. "Play for me, Severus," Iugo said. "I need to unwind."

So Severus clambered up onto the bench and set his fingers on the pristine black and white keys. His fingers slid easily over the polished marble keys and a melody flowed out from under his hands. His hands wove intricate patterns of sound that flashed and writhed through his consciousness, soothing his hurts and numbing his mind to a pleasant, comfortable place.

Binky, who had finished washing the dishes by then, stood in the doorway of the living room and listened with rapt attention. Even Aura, who professed an intense disdain for music, calling it "frivolous", was listening.

Severus reached the end of the piece and looked up at his parents. Binky had tears in her eyes, which she turned to hide quickly. Aura was subdued, and Iugo sat with less tension than before. There was no thank you from either of the adults, and Severus jumped down from the bench and sat himself back in his corner with his little wand and returned to his world of fighting and conjuring. Someday he would be a student at Hogwarts, just like his parents, and learn to be an Auror, just like his father, and save the world.

Later that evening, when Severus had been shooed up to bed, the fighting began. Over what he did not know, but the dull thump of his father's fist against his mother's face made tears spring into his eyes. He crept out onto the staircase and listened to his parents' yelling.

_"You horrible bitch!" "You bastard son of a hippogriff!" "Filth!"_ The insults flew, and soon so did Iugo's fists. Aura always came out looking worse for the wear. Iugo was sufficiently drunk at that point to cause some real damage, and Severus sat with silent tears running down his face as his parents fought. Binky came scurrying up the stairs and caught him sitting there.

"Get up with you," she scolded. "Get out of here before your parents see you, child!"

Severus was as tall as Binky now, and he stood up and looked her in the eye. "Why, Binky?" The question was asked with a child's innocence, and it hurt Binky to hear it. But she had no answer for Iugo's anger.

The cauldron bubbled with a glowing potion and six-year-old Severus stood over it, eyes alight. He had finally managed to brew a perfect Veritaserum, one of the more difficult potions. It had taken a full month to mature, and it was a job hiding it from his father, who would have beaten him senseless had he known where his potions ingredients were going.

"Beautiful," he murmured to himself as he stirred. "How beautiful."

An intense pride welled up in him as he ladled out a bottleful. His father and his mother would never, never see this private achievement, his own triumph in the midst of his awful home life. They would never know his comfort.

Of course, this was his fourth attempt at Veritaserum. He had been able to brew Sleeping Draughts and hair-regrowth potions almost immediately. His other attempts at the truth serum had cost him a few meals spewed all over the floor, and one quite embarrassing incident in which he grew a large boil on the end of his nose. Now, he took a swallow and closed his eyes as he began the narrative of absolute truths that he knew would come. He confessed to an empty room how much he hated his life, how much he hated his parents, and how much he wanted to leave and never come back. He spilled his deepest, darkest secrets to no one, and with a belch, the potion wore off. He smiled.

So flushed was he with his triumph that he didn't notice someone coming down the stairs until he heard his father roar, "SEVERUS!"

Severus dropped the glass bottle and it shattered all over the floor. "Idiot!" his father roared. "Fool, stupid child! What in the name of heaven did you think you were doing, fooling around with my personal potions stash?" He lunged towards the terrified boy and slapped him with the back of his hand—hard. Severus's head snapped back from the force of the blow, and he tasted blood. "Stupid, stupid, bastard child!" Iugo snarled. "Making nonsense concoctions out of things that cost money. This is not to be wasted. We have precious little money as it is."

Severus cowered against the wall in the face of his father's towering rage. "I—I'm sorry!" he managed, sobbing. "I was…"

But Iugo did not want to hear what his son was doing. He smacked the boy again in the face and Severus saw stars. "If you ever touch my things again, rest assured that I will murder you, boy!" Iugo thundered.

He looked into the cauldron and observed the potion and caught his breath in astonishment, but he recovered quickly. "A simple Luminescence Draught, eh?" He looked almost amused. But his thoughts were quite different. _How had that child managed to brew Veritaserum? At six years old? And in perfect secrecy._ His son was a dangerous thing.

Severus wiped the blood and tears off his face. "It's Veritaserum," he sobbed. "Leave it alone." How could his father confuse the potions? The thought was vague, hazy through the pain in his face.

Iugo roared with laughter and waved his wand. The potion disappeared, and this only made Severus cry harder. All his precious work, all his pride had evaporated. The cauldron was as empty as he felt inside.

Severus fled the room and locked himself in his tiny bedroom. The walls were a dull gray that had once been white but so long unpainted the color had faded. His bed was covered with unbearably old sheets and he had one flat pillow. An old stuffed hippogriff doll lay limply at one end of the bed, its head cocked at an angle from being held close under his chin. One eye was falling off and one wing had only half its stuffing left, but Severus took it into his arms and held it close anyway. He made sure to get no blood on it, or tears, but cried himself into silence.

Binky, in the garden, looked into the window and saw the little boy curled up on his bed, weeping miserably. But she was too afraid to go in and comfort him. She knew what Iugo would do if she did. Already he had threatened her with a new dress if she went anywhere near the child aside from serving him his meals. She hated to see him so alone, so uncomforted.

Severus slept, his face throbbing, eyes hot from crying, and woke up unrefreshed. By then it was supper time, and Binky gave his hand a quick squeeze under the table as she served. Severus fought to control his trembling lip as she scuttled away. He would not look at his father, and once the meal was over he fled immediately back to his room.

The door to his father's workshop was made impassible by an Imperturbable Charm the next day. A loud, wailing alarm would go off if anyone besides Iugo tried to enter, and an invisible fist would knock the intruder down the hall with blinding force. Severus tried it once, and never again.

Potion-making was over.

Iugo kept a close eye on the boy after that. He had no idea how a six-year-old had had the skill or knowledge to create something as dangerous as Veritaserum, but it would be years before he would have the change to touch anything of the sort again. Iugo would make sure of that.

_Five years later…_

His father's owl, Hercules, arrived with the post that morning bright and early. It was June sixth, Severus's eleventh birthday. The Hogwarts letter fell right into his lap. "Praise be!" Aura said with a wave of her hands. "Now we know he's not a Squib."

Iugo puffed with something like pride, or perhaps it was relief that his son was not completely useless. "Well, open it, boy!" he said.

He didn't need to say it twice. Eagerly Severus read the letter. _Thank god I'll get to leave this house_, he thought as he scanned the letter. "Term starts September the first, and I need these." He thrust the letter at his father, who appraised the supply list.

"Nothing we can't get at Diagon Alley," Iugo said. "We'll buy second hand."

Severus stopped, fork halfway to his mouth. The eggs fell off it and dropped just like his heart. "Second hand?" No, no, this wasn't the way he was supposed to start his Hogwarts career. No Auror ever started out with second-hand books and robes. "Why?"

"I'm not going to have you spend us out of house and home just because you've been accepted into Hogwarts," Iugo said quite reasonably. "You're not that important, boy."

The unfairness of it burned at him, but five years and countless bruises later he had learned not to argue with his father. Iugo was a hardened man.

It would have to do. Severus put an iron fist around his disappointment and started to eat again.

Two weeks later they went to Diagon Alley.

Madame Malkin's Robe Shoppe had an extraordinary collection of second-hand robes, and Severus purchased a long black Hogwarts robe with a large rip in it. It could be fixed with a Mending Charm, he thought. The wand would be harder. Mr. Ollivander did not sell second-hand wands. The wand chose the wizard, and that would have to hold him.

In the end Severus and his father left Ollivander's with a wand made of yew and dragon heartstring, eleven inches and inflexible. He pushed his hair out of his face and felt the wand vibrate in his hand. It was his.

The cauldron he got was a little rusty but otherwise in good repair. His animal was a large gray owl that he named Julius after something he'd read in a Muggle book. Julius was a good-tempered creature, and Iugo informed his son that he would never get a new animal, so he'd better take good care of this one.

Flourish and Blotts was used to its poorer customers. A boy with violently red hair was sheepishly holding the same collection of books, similarly ragged. He spoke to no one and paid hastily for his books, fleeing the shop as if embarrassed about his poverty. Severus could relate. But his father shook his head. "Those Weasley people," he muttered. "Poor as dirt and yet they keep reproducing."

Severus said nothing, and walked out grimly with his books. This whole thing was an ordeal. He was supposed to be happy about Hogwarts, and now all he could think about was what the other students would say about him with his old used books and robes.

His father was unperturbed. "You'll do fine," he said unfeelingly. "They're all just as good as the new ones."

On September first, he was shuttled off to Kings Cross Station and the only goodbye he got was a wave from his parents and a good view of their retreating backs. He sat bitterly in his compartment, thinking resentfully that Binky hadn't bothered to cut his hair before he left and so it was in his eyes_ again_. He pulled out his Defense Against the Dark Arts book and began to read. Anything to occupy his time.

"Hello." A voice interrupted his reading about the Unforgivable Curses. Severus looked up into a pair of brown eyes.

The boy stuck out a hand. "James Potter."

Severus shook his hand warily. "Severus Snape."

James grinned crookedly. "Hell of a name, mate. First time on the Express?"

Severus nodded, unsettled by this boy's easy chatter. They didn't even know each other. "Same here," James continued. "I'm dead chuffed about this, though. Didn't think I was going to get accepted after all."

"Why?" Severus couldn't overcome his curiosity.

"Well… y'know," James said casually. "Didn't pay attention to my studies and all that." He reached up to muss his hair. "Spent most of my time on my dad's broom and all that. You got one?"

Severus wasn't sure whether he meant a broom or a father, but he assumed he meant a broom. "Nope," he said. "Never bothered to get one. I like to keep my feet on the ground."

James smiled devilishly. "You'll change your mind when you see the Quidditch team at school."

Severus shrugged. He'd never had much interest in Quidditch. It wasn't discussed in his house. "Guess so."

"Potter. Come on, mate, trolley's coming!" Three boys opened the door to the compartment. There were two boys who looked just as healthy as James and one who looked runty and yet overfed at the same time. He had buckteeth.

James stood up and stuck out his hand again. "Well, Severus, damn good to meet you, and I guess I'll see you at school?"

Severus found it easier to return his grin. "Sure."

James sailed off noisily with his three friends.

Well. Maybe it wasn't going to be so bad.

"Sorry to interrupt you." This time the voice was female. Severus looked up at the girl in the doorway. She had the bluest eyes he'd ever seen. She smiled a little shyly. "Would you mind if I sat here? Everywhere else is so crowded, and I thought I'd get a little reading done."

She was quite pretty. Severus had no objection. "Sit and welcome." His encounter with James Potter had made him feel much better, almost cheerful.

"My name's Radixa, by the way," the girl said. "Radixa Laetitia."

Severus shook her hand. "Severus Snape." He grinned. "So we've both got names out of the oddest places in the alphabet."

Radixa laughed, a pleasing sound. "I'll say." She pulled out a copy of the Dark Arts book, the same one Severus was reading. "Ah, I see we're like-minded," she said, indicating their books.

"I like this book a lot," Severus said.

"Planning on being an Auror?" Radixa asked. "I am. I love all this dark magic stuff. It's the making of legends."

Her ease with him was magical. Severus relaxed. "So where are you from, Severus Snape?" Radixa questioned.

"Right around London, actually," Severus answered. "And you?"

"Essex," Radixa answered. "My parents were pleased as punch when I got my letter."

Severus smiled at the quaintness of the expression. "Are you pureblood?"

Radixa shook her head. "Half-and-half. My dad's a Muggle."

Somehow, despite his father's disdain for any but pureblood wizards, this did not diminish Severus's opinion of her. In fact, he quite liked her, and hoped she would be in his House.

They discussed hexes, jinxes, and curses at length, and then turned to Arithmancy, for which neither of them had great love. "Divination in all its forms is impractical and unreliable," Radixa said decisively. "There aren't many true Seers any longer, and some wet tea leaves and residue aren't going to tell me my future."

Severus laughed. "Agreed. In fact, the only useful areas are Herbology, Potions, and Defense Against the Dark Arts."

"I don't know about that," Radixa said. "I've always liked Charms. Dead useful. Speaking of which," she pointed her wand at the rip in his robe and murmured, "_Reparo_." The fabric flew together smoothly with barely a trace of where the rip had been. Severus was impressed. Of course, her robes and books were all brand new.

"What house do you think you'll be in?" Radixa asked next.

"I don't know," Severus said. "My father was in Slytherin, so I'm assuming I'll be going the same way."

Radixa did not let this dampen her enthusiasm. "No, you  won't," she said cheerfully. "You're too good for Slytherin. I personally hope I get into Ravenclaw. That's the intellectual house."

They both shrugged. The Sorting Hat would tell.

Three hours later the sky was dark and Radixa was immersed in the chapter dealing with the differences between jinxes and hexes. "An hour 'til we arrive," Severus said, looking at his watch.

Radixa looked up. "This was fun," she said. "I love long train rides. You can get so much done."

Before they knew it, they were being ushered off the train and into the boats that would ferry them across to Hogwarts. Severus clambered into a boat beside Radixa and they watched in awe as the castle loomed into view. "Wow," Radixa said softly, looking at Severus. "It's beautiful."

He nodded in agreement. This place was going to be a refuge for him.

The Great Hall was lit by candles as the first-years were all ushered down the center aisle towards the dais with the Sorting Hat. The headmaster, Professor Dibbet, sat with this staff around him, and they all looked quite happy to be back for yet another year. The old, worn Sorting Hat sat on its stool on the dais, and everyone quieted to hear as it opened the rip in its brim and cleared its throat.

_Welcome one, and welcome all,_

_Once again to our Great Hall,_

_For we are here as a new year starts,_

_Another year at our great Hogwarts._

_Oh you may not think I'm smart or wise,_

_But I'll dispel the myth with my inner eyes,_

_Just come and trust yourself to me,_

_And I'll say in which House you shall be._

_Perhaps you belong in Ravenclaw,_

_Where wisdom wins the race,_

_A Ravenclaw is prepared for what challenges they face._

_Or maybe Slytherin is yours,_

_Where cunning and stealth beat all the rest,_

_A Slytherin will use any means to pass the test._

_Perhaps in Gryffindor you'll be,_

_Where they value wit and charm and bravery,_

_In the Lion's house you'll never find an enemy._

_And last but not least is Hufflepuff,_

_Where work provides you with the reward,_

_A Hufflepuff is not afraid to use words over the sword._

_So put me on and you will see,_

_In what house you're meant to be!_

Everyone applauded, including the bewildered and delighted first years. Professor Quentia Maromas, the Transfiguration teacher, stood with the roll call and called new students up one by one.

"Bones, Maria!" became the first new Hufflepuff.

"Finnegan, James!" became a new Gryffindor, to roars of approval from the Gryffindor table.

The roll call went on and on, and Radixa looked nervously at Severus as "Lacola, Nina!" became a Hufflepuff.

"Laetitia, Radixa!"

"Good luck," Severus whispered, and Radixa walked slowly up to the hat. She closed her eyes and put the hat on her head.

"Hm… a half-and-half witch," the hat murmured. "You've got talent, haven't you, girl? Well… much intellect and daring, and a gift for Charms and such…I know just where you'll go. RAVENCLAW!"

The last word was shouted to the whole hall, and Radixa sighed with relief and threw a smile towards Severus, who applauded along with the Ravenclaw table.

She watched with bated breath as Severus took his turn at the stool. The hat took a moment before yelling, "SLYTHERIN!" to the whole hall. Severus grinned knowingly at her and went to the table. "Told you," he mouthed at her from his seat. A few more seatings and the Sorting ended.

Radixa smiled despite her disappointment and turned to the girl next to her. "I'm Radixa," she said, introducing herself.

"Jyoti Patil," the girl said, shaking her hand. "Boy am I glad I got into Ravenclaw."

"Me too," Radixa said. "I was hoping for this house. My mother was in here."

"Oh, really?" Jyoti looked interested. "I'm the first in my family to go here. Maybe I'll start a tradition."

Radixa smiled. They would receive their schedules later, and be led up to the dormitories, according to a pretty second-year black girl named Jennifer Bell, who was on the Quidditch team.

Severus watched his friend from his table. He hoped that Ravenclaw and Slytherin had lessons together.

The boys he had met on the train, James and his friends, had all been sorted into Gryffindor, even the bucktoothed boy. So much for a familiar face. He was introduced to several people, including a boy with white-blonde hair named Lucius Malfoy, who looked as if he'd never known hardship in his life. He was introduced to Crabbe and Goyle, who preferred to go by their last names only, a pretty girl named Bellatrix Black and her sister Narcissa, more boys who preferred use of their last names only: Avery, Lestrange, MacMillan, Nott, and a boy named Tom Riddle. He didn't like them much, but he knew they were what he had and who he would be with for the next seven years.

The first week went by relatively smoothly; Severus thought he was working up to be quite popular. James and his friends, whom he soon got to know as Sirius, Remus, and Peter, gave him a raucous greeting every time they saw him. It consisted of all four of them yelling, "Hey, Snape! What's uuupppppppp?"

Severus learned to love it. He had Potions and History of Magic with Ravenclaw, he found to his delight, which meant he had class with Radixa three times a week ad double periods on Fridays. He looked forward to his first Potions lesson.

Unfortunately he got a rude surprise. When he attempted to greet his friend, his fellow Slytherins pulled him back. "What's wrong with you, eh?" Avery asked. "What're you doing, fraternizing with _them_?"

"What?" Severus was bewildered.

"You got to know the rules, mate," Lucius said. "You don't really talk to people outside your own House."

Radixa shot him a brilliant smile over her cauldron. He waved anyway. Professor Tripote, the Potions teacher, was also head of Slytherin house, and displayed a blatant favoritism for his students. He was a tall, handsome man with a tendency to be extraordinarily cruel. Severus was reminded acutely and unpleasantly of his father. Tripote of course wasted no time. By the second week they were working on fairly advanced theories, and Severus fell into the late-night study habit, as all Hogwarts students eventually did.

Over the next few months, he saw less and less of Radixa, despite the fact that they had classes together. They grew apart, not that they had ever had any real basis of friendship in the first place, and Severus became absorbed in Slytherin life. One conversation didn't qualify a lifelong friendship, did it? Still, he missed her sometimes, especially when he was having issues with his Charms homework.

Quidditch season started, but Severus had no interest in it. First years were never allowed to play, and he never went down to the pitch to cheer his team on. It wasn't worth it. Besides, he'd much rather be studying his Defense Against the Dark Arts. That was without a doubt his favorite subject. He read the book fervently, practicing incantations and aching to move on to more advanced things.

Christmas rolled around, and Severus found himself actually anticipating the ride home. He packed his trunk and went outside to enjoy the snow for a while before everyone would be packed off onto the train.

In the center of the courtyard, he saw a girl holding an owl on her arm; on closer inspection he realized it was Radixa. He ran up to her, breath frosting in the cold air. "Radixa," he said delightedly.

She turned to him and smiled that brilliant smile. "Hello, Severus. Happy Christmas."

"Same to you." Severus observed the beautiful white owl. His own Julius was quite a spectacle himself, and her snowy owl was called Venus after the goddess of love. "Sending a letter home?" he inquired.

"No," Radixa said. "Venus doesn't get out too often… I don't get a lot of mail, you know. So I thought I'd give her a chance to exercise." Her eyes, very blue, looked sad for an instant, and then she let the bird go, soaring up into the blank sky. "To go with her!" Radixa sighed, smiling softly. She turned to him. "I'd love to fly."

Before Severus could answer, he heard the gravelly voice of MacMillan and the laughter of Lucius Malfoy. "Come on, Severus, get yourself back over to your side!" they called derisively. "What are you doing with the intellectual?"

Radixa looked over at the gang of Slytherin boys. "Your friends?" she asked, her voice a little less warm.

Severus smiled sheepishly. "You could say that." The boys were cavorting around, waving at him. "I'd better go." He backed away, not wanting to move but too afraid of losing his friends to stay. "Happy Christmas, Radixa."

"Same to you," she said shortly as he walked away. Radixa ached a little inside as he left, thinking how little she'd seen of him since September, and how much he'd changed. She sighed and held her arm out as Venus returned, landing lightly and nuzzling her soft head into Radixa's neck. "Things change too much, don't they?" she asked the bird, who hooted softly as if replying. Radixa went back into the school. Her nose was numb anyway.

"What is _with_ you?" Lucius asked, slapping him on the back and leading him off. "You're a Slytherin now, mate, you might as well observe the protocol."

Severus forgot the incident quickly when he arrived back at Kings Cross station the next day and found his mother waiting for him. Aura Snape looked tired and worn, and meaner. She greeted her son shortly. It was surprisingly cold in London. The air was bitter, sharp, and Severus covered his face with his scarf.

The house was bleak, quiet, and empty. "Your father will be home later," Aura said shortly to her son, and disappeared into her bedroom.

Severus sat heavily at the table. "Are you hungry?" Binky asked softly, emerging from the living room.

He shot a grateful look at the house-elf, who looked exhausted. "Starved."

Binky set to cooking right away, and soon Severus smelled his favorite: roasted chicken. Binky never failed to make the best chicken around.

Severus looked at the living room and finally realized what it was that was bothering him. "Where's our Christmas tree?" he asked.

Binky looked as if she'd been dreading that question. "There isn't one this year," she answered slowly. "Your father… your father couldn't afford it."

Severus knew not to ask questions. He ate what was put in front of him.

Aura came out of the room in a housedress, and Severus nearly choked on his food. His mother's stomach was round; much too round to constitute any weight gain. Aura was pregnant.

Binky saw his astonished look and gestured him into silence. Aura went into the living room. She spoke to no one, and Severus had the distinct impression that she was angry about being pregnant. He saw the disdain with which she threw herself around, taking no care of her belly. This was the first time he saw his mother as human. And it had been so long since she had had a baby; after all, he was already eleven.

A moment later Aura burst back in and shooed him out of the kitchen. Severus fled to his room, still the same nondescript color. His stuffed hippogriff was still there, and it was with no small measure of joy that he jumped onto his bed and flung the toy up into the air. He might have been eleven and practically a grown man (so he thought), but that hippogriff had seen him through some hard times, and he was not about to abandon it. It was good to be home.

A tapping at his window startled him. To his utter astonishment it was Venus, Radixa's owl. She had a package tied to her leg and looked extremely cold. Severus opened his window and let her in with a swirl of wind and the first snowflakes. It would be a white Christmas after all.

Venus stuck out her leg and Severus untied the package. Venus fluttered over to share Julius's food and water.

Severus flopped onto his bed and observed the box. Unable to resist his curiosity, and despite the flashing "do not open until Christmas" labels, he opened the box, delighted that he'd gotten a present. A letter fell out.

_Dear Severus,_

_            Happy Christmas. Hope you like what I sent._

_Love Radixa_

Eagerly Severus tore into the tissue paper around the present. A huge assortment of candies fell out, and Severus's eyes widened. Fizzing Whizbees, Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans, Chocolate Frogs… Severus was absolutely thrilled. And then a small model of a wizard, blinking in the light after being in the box for so long, tumbled out and waved cheerily. Severus recognized the man as Phineas Nigellus, one of the former headmasters of Hogwarts and a wizard renowned for his work in potions. How had she known?

Severus hastily wrote a letter of thanks and a promise of a present and attached it to Julius's leg. He'd have to get her something magnificent. The thought made him smile.

Christmas passed uneventfully, and the train ride back to Hogwarts was solitary. Severus waited to see if Radixa would somehow find him, but she didn't, and he was surprised that he was so disappointed. He had sent her a necklace a day before Christmas, and received a note of thanks, but nothing else.

"Snape!" James Potter came bounding up the train and opened the door. "How are you, mate?" He was wearing a gold chain with a small pendant that Severus recognized as a miniature Snitch. He grinned a little. James had expressed his wish to play Quidditch many times. But, as everyone knew, first years never made the team. He knew James was awaiting the next year so that he could finally make his mark on the world of Quidditch. He had fond dreams of fame.

"How was your haul this year?" James asked.

Severus realized he meant Christmas presents, and he was ashamed to say that he hadn't gotten anything besides Radixa's presents. Iugo had spent the night out, his mother had spent the night on the sofa, and Binky hadn't been around. Severus had simply stayed in his room. If only students were allowed to do magic outside of school, he thought desolately. He would have liked to brighten his room up somewhat.

"Plenty," Severus lied. "Books, mostly. Some candy, a new sweater. Usual."

James nodded. "I got a broom," he said, leaning in conspiratorially. "'Course I didn't take it in with me, but I will in September, you watch. You'll be flying with me, mate."

Severus grinned. It was going to be a good rest of the year.

The end of term approached without incident, and Severus was relieved that he'd actually enjoyed his first year. He was also relieved that he hadn't been home. He didn't like to think of the scenes that had gone on in his absence.

When he disembarked the train at Kings Cross, his father was waiting for him. "Come," he said by way of greeting. "Your mother is home ill."

Severus took that to mean that she had recently given birth, and shuddered involuntarily. "Was it a boy or a girl?" he ventured.

"Dead," was his father's answer, and there was no remorse or regret in it. Severus had the acute sense his father was glad the baby had died. They took a Muggle taxi back to their house, and Severus went straight into the living room to greet Binky.

Binky, however, was nowhere to be found. "Where's Binky?" he asked his father, who was looking in on the sleeping figure of his mother.

"I freed her," Iugo said simply, shutting the door to the master bedroom.

"What?" Severus was shocked. "Why?"

"I found her putting together a box of things that I found inappropriate. And so I freed her. I need not justify myself to you, boy." Iugo swept out of the room, leaving his son in distress.

Poor Binky! She had never been anything but mistreated, and she had never complained, not once. He knew that she was the only one who had truly loved him in that house, and it was to her that he came with his problems. She was his fountain of wisdom, and his reassurance that the world was not as bleak as it was in his house. In fact, Binky had been the one person (and yes, he thought of her as a person) that he respected. And she had been the one person he looked forward to seeing. Now she was gone.

He had wanted to relay his entire year to her, to give her blow-by-blow accounts of everything: the Sorting, the new classes, Radixa… everything.

What was he going to do now?


	2. Part Two: Father Time

Standard disclaimers apply.

Source of All Joy, Part II: Father Time

            September the first once again, four years later. Severus Snape was six feet tall, dark-haired, and fuming. Things had changed for the worst at school long about two years ago, when James Potter and his friends decided that they were too cool for old Severus, and had ditched him rather cruelly. He didn't want to go back.

            Moreover, the schedules had been switched, and he hadn't seen Radixa in almost four years. Why the thought of her should come to him now, he didn't know, but as he sat on the train, he grew angrier and angrier. Slytherins took their lessons with Gryffindors now, and there had been no Yule Ball last year, so that this year, his fifth year, he had had no opportunity to make much social headway.

            Not that he wanted to, mind you. He was becoming obsessed with the Dark Arts, and had little time for anything else. He had found another Slytherin boy, Tom Riddle, whom he had been introduced to in his first year, who was equally interested, and they spent many hours discussing spells, jinxes, hexes, and lately Tom had been talking to him about forming a society after they graduated from Hogwarts. A society dedicated to the purification of the wizarding world. "You don't need the rest of the world," Riddle had told him. "After all, what've they done for you?"

            And to some extent Riddle was right. His former friends had abandoned him, and even turned to torturing him, which hurt him much more than he would have liked to admit. And hadn't his father told him all his life that the only true wizards were the purebloods? Even though James Potter was a bastard, he was a pureblood… albeit with a slavish fancy for that Mudblood Lily Evans. That might be enough to spell disaster for him. And his parents… well… they were useless, he thought with a momentary pang. His poor mother, who had lost her baby, his father who did not care, and Binky… Binky, who was somewhere in the world, cold, and hungry… the thought brought tears to his eyes. He shook his head furiously to rid himself of the feeling. No use being a fool.

            "Hey, Snivellus!"

            Severus did not move. That loathsome nickname Sirius Black had given him in his third year when he had found him crying in the dungeons had stuck, and he _hated_ it.

            "Oh, come on, Snivvy, you're not going to ignore us again, are you, mate?" James Potter's voice was laughing and derisive. That son of a bitch just never let it go, worried it like a dog with a bone… Severus felt his blood grow hot as the train doors opened.

            "Oh, _Snivellus__!_" Remus Lupin called in a mock anguished moan and Severus shut his compartment door as the four friends burst out laughing. "Leaving us hanging, are you?"

            _I don't hear them, I don't hear them, I don't hear them_, he thought furiously to himself, wishing he could knock all four of them out with one well-placed hex. He pulled his robe tighter around him and sat, sulking.

            Someone banged into the glass of his compartment, and he recognized Tom Riddle standing over whoever it was. Ah, here was a friend. He got up, and then stopped in utter shock. Riddle was standing over a _girl_. He was actually beating a girl.

            Severus didn't even have time to think before he burst through the door. "Tom!" he cried. "What're you doing?"

            Riddle looked up and smiled at his friend. "Torturing a half-breed." He indicated the girl on the floor, who was pushing herself up onto her hands and knees, hair falling into her face.

            Severus was horrified. As much as he had always been taught to respect none but the pureblood, his prejudice never extended to wanting to do bodily harm… except maybe to certain Gryffindors... he pushed the thought aside. "Why?" he asked, looking down at the girl.

            The girl looked up and pushed her hair out of her face, teeth bared in a snarl. "Because I told him what he could do with his wand," she hissed, and Severus nearly fell over.

            Those eyes! He would never forget those blue eyes. "Radixa?" he managed.

            "Ah." Radixa got up, breathing heavily. "So this is what you've sunk to, Severus? You surprise me." She threw him a contemptuous look. "I would have thought you were better than this. And you, you fool," she pointed her wand at him. "Touch me again, and I'll make you wish your mother never gave birth to you, you son of a bitch."

            Riddle laughed in her face. "Go away, mudblood."

            Radixa seemed to be struggling to keep her composure. She threw one last look at Severus and marched off, saying nothing to anyone.

            Severus looked in horror at his friend. "What did you do to her?"

            "No more than she deserved," Riddle said. "She told me to do something disgusting with my wand when I asked her for a snog."

            "You _what_?!"

            "Oh, come on, Snape, look at her! She's beautiful!" Riddle sent a lustful grin in the direction Radixa had gone. "So I swung by and asked her and she told me to do something vulgar. So I smacked her. Feisty little bitch hit me back."

            Severus had to admit he was right on one count: Radixa was beautiful. Seeing her again had been such a shock… his heart was still pounding. "Oh, come now, don't tell me you fancy her!" Riddle said, seeing the way he stared after her. "She's a half-breed, for Merlin's sake! _And _she's a Ravenclaw. Nothing but a bunch of snobby know-it-alls. You know we're better than that."

            The look in Riddle's eyes dared him to contradict. So he didn't.  But he wanted to follow Radixa, tell her that he had missed her, tell her that he hadn't stopped thinking about her through the last few years even though they'd never seen each other, and tell her most of all that he was nothing like Riddle. He went back to his seat instead. "So," Riddle said conversationally. "How've you been? Ready for another term?"

            "Extremely ready," Severus answered. "Got to keep myself away from that Potter bastard and his cronies."  He drew out his latest book on the Dark Arts: _Dark Wizarding Through History: A Compilation of Spells_. He had stolen it from his father's library, or rather his stash of secret books under his bed.

            "Ah, brilliant!" Riddle looked positively delighted at this new treasure. "Mind if I borrow it?" He made a move to put it into his robes pocket.

            "I haven't…" Severus never got to say "finished it yet" because Riddle had swept out of the compartment. Great. Now what was he going to read for the rest of the bloody ride? Sometimes Tom could be a damned greedy fool, but his brilliance at the Dark Arts and his similarity in thinking made him too valuable an ally to give up. Severus was frustrated.

            So he sat in silence until someone knocked at his compartment door. He looked up. It was Radixa, looking angry and upset.

            "I thought you weren't talking to me." Severus couldn't keep the bitterness out of his voice.

            "I couldn't not tell you this," Radixa said, teeth gritted. "I haven't seen you in three years, and I've been hoping that you kept yourself away from people like Riddle."

            "Why do you care?" Severus was intrigued as well as puzzled at her sudden resurfacing in his life, and at her vehemence.

            "Because I…I…" Radixa trailed off.Why_ did _she care, indeed? "Never mind." She looked down. Her cheeks were burning.

            "You missed me," Severus said suddenly. He felt himself starting to smile.

            "Push off; you think you're that important?" But Radixa wouldn't look at him.

            "Well, I have no problem telling you I missed _you_," he said, growing bold now that he had seen her blush. "Why don't you just be honest with yourself?"

            "You sound like James Potter himself," Radixa sneered. "I missed you, fine, I admit it! Now I'm sorry I came back here!" She pushed her hair out of her face, that brilliant coppery hair, and narrowed her bluebell eyes at him. "You're a pig, aren't you?"

            Severus couldn't help smiling. He was _so_ glad she still thought of him. "No."

            "Liar."

            "I'm just glad to see you again."

            "Liar," she said again, turning to leave.

            "All right, don't believe me." Severus let her go. "I don't know why you'd worry yourself over what friends I have."

            Radixa stopped and turned. "Because he's no good, Severus. Trust me on that." She shut the compartment door behind her. Severus sat back, a smile on his face. So she still thought of him. Not well, but she did. And that was what mattered. Suddenly it didn't matter how long it had been since they had spoken. She was back in his life.

            Winter came unusually fast that year. By November there was snow on the ground, and Quidditch practices had to be postponed due to the weather. That was why it was such a surprise to see someone on a broom one day, when Severus happened to look up from his book. He frowned. What idiot wanted to be on a broom in a blizzard?

            He looked at his watch and decided to head over to the Astronomy Tower to wait for the sky to clear up so he could chart some more stars. So he wrapped his muffler around him and went outside into the biting cold winds. The sky was blank grey-white, so there was no clear indication of what time of day it was save for his watch, and there were a few snowflakes blowing around. He went past the Quidditch pitch with little interest. He stopped in a moment of idle curiosity to watch whoever it was on the broom execute a beautiful series of moves: flips and dives and swoops and feints; he had time to be mildly impressed. The person flew straight through one of the goal hoops and looped around the posts. He wondered if it was a member of one of the Quidditch teams, but didn't recognize any of the team colors from any of the houses. Some fanatic in the snow.

            He turned to leave, but stopped when he heard someone calling his name. "Severus!"

            Radixa landed in front of him on the broom, snow scattered in her hair. Her cheeks were red and her eyes were sparkling. She was breathing heavily from the exhilaration of being so high up.

            "Hello." Severus was startled.

            "Hello," Radixa said. _Why did I call his name?_ she wondered privately. "Erm… how've you been?"

            "Still hanging out with the same awful crowd," he said, still stinging over the incident. "You might try and be a little more open-minded the next time you see me."

            Radixa looked indignant. "Forgive me for worrying about you!"

            "Why?" Severus tried to get past her, but she blocked his progress. "You haven't talked to me in four years, Radixa! Did you expect me to dwell on you like some lovesick fool? If you cared so much you should have made more of an effort."

            Radixa looked down and then up at him again. "Likewise!" she shot back. But the comment hurt; she had indeed hoped that he would still think of her, even four years later. At fifteen she more beautiful than when she was eleven, and so much had changed. Even under the thick winter robes he could see that she had grown up. Her figure was much more womanly, full of curves, and he could see the hints of a bust line even through all the layers of fabric. Her hair was just as long, just as thick, and her eyes just as blue. He hadn't gotten a chance to have a proper look at her on the train; now he could look to his heart's content.

            "What are you looking at?" she demanded a moment later. Radixa felt a pang inside; she knew he had been looking her over to see how different she'd become since they first met. To her surprise and discomfort she found she did not mind. "Well?"

            Severus forced his eyes back to hers. "Nothing. I'm off to do some important work in the Astronomy Tower, if you don't mind. Have a nice day." He went past her and Radixa growled in frustration. For some reason she couldn't apologize to him for the past four years without arguing with him. She had missed him so much, and got the distinct impression he had done likewise, but they were both too proud to really say anything. She watched him go, his robes swirling magnificently around him even in the dead air of that day.

            He had become quite impressive at fifteen. Already Severus was six feet tall and quite well built for never doing any exercise. Although you'd never know it from the baggy robes he wore… Radixa shuddered a little as she remembered the midnight dark gaze he'd turned on her in the Great Hall at the Sorting. It had made her heart beat faster and her stomach plunge into her knees. His long black hair fell into his face, making him look so mysterious… Radixa shook her head, mounted the broom, and took off again. A little flying would get him off her mind.

            From the Astronomy Tower in the dying light of the day, Severus couldn't help but notice her flying round on the Quidditch pitch, a small figure doing loop-the-loops and furious dives. Her flying expressed her frustration, he thought. How appropriate. Most of his friends, and himself included, would have gone around in a sour mood, hexing things and being rude. Radixa chose to vent in other ways. At least here he was alone with his thoughts, and didn't have to be ashamed of them. His thoughts turned to the star charts. The moon had to be in certain phases, aligned with the stars in certain angles for certain spells and potions to work. Dark magic was a tricky business.

            Patience was a virtue, and that was one thing Severus Snape had plenty of. He'd learned it at home, and it served him well. The sky showed breaks in the clouds, and the light of a sunset poking through. The sunlight was pale and pathetic. _Like me,_ he thought a little bitterly. The blue was fast fading to a pallid aqua stained with weak pink and gold. It was so strange: normally in the autumn there would be the most spectacular sunsets, deep wines and forests and saffrons tumbling over the horizon in a riot of rich color before fading into a deep velvet blue-black. Now the sky looked positively anemic. The very edges were stained with black, that feeble grayish black that bled into the horizon and gradually took over the sky. Stars looked especially sharp, though; there was no denying the benefits of clear, cold air for stargazing. So he waited.

            The darkness was encroaching, and still Radixa kept flying. She took a sudden sharp turn off the pitch and headed for the Forbidden Forest. Severus sat up straight; he had been dozing off, and frowned. Well, let her go. She was being a first-class fool.

            He looked up. The sky was almost completely clear. He got out his parchments and quills. He needed a comprehensible map of the winter constellations. Something with no mistakes at all. Sometimes the texts were wrong.

            Just as he was charting Aldebaran and noting its angle from Mars, a necessary measurement for a Blinding Potion, a scream pierced the night. His head snapped up and he leaned out the window, risking being seen by the night groundsworkers. But they kept on working, seemingly oblivious to the noise. The scream tore through the air again, and Severus had a horrible feeling he knew where it was coming from. He raised his wand and called, "_Accio__ Broom!_" He had a feeling… Radixa needed help.

            His Nimbus Five Hundred flew in through the window and Severus got on and kicked off. The cold air was a shock after the warmth of the tower, and he sucked in his breath. "_Lumos_," he muttered, lighting up his wand to the fullest extent. Damn it, where was she? There was nothing but the same monotone black of the treetops, waving slightly in the wind. Again, that awful scream, and Severus dived downwards. He suddenly knew where she was.

            The clearing in the center of the woods. He plunged towards the ground, ignoring the sickening cracks of tree branches as he plowed through them.

            What he saw made him wish he had no eyes.

            In the center of the clearing there was the remnants of a fire, ashes scattered all around as if someone had jumped into it and kicked. A cauldron was overturned, a gleaming mess spilled into the grass, and soaking into Radixa's hair. That hair, finally dulled by something more brilliant… Radixa was sprawled on the ground, beaten and bloody and unconscious. Her broom was lying twenty feet away, seemingly undisturbed. Radixa's robes were torn away, and Severus winced at the sight of her bare body. Her legs were cut and bruised, her torso black and blue.

            He knelt beside her and pulled her robe around her, covering her up, terrified and shaken at the sight. "Oh, gods," he murmured, looking at her right hand. On it was a mark burned into her skin… a skull with a snake winding its way out of the gaping mouth. It was fresh, shining with blood. Who had made that mark?

Radixa let out a moan as she stirred. Severus wanted to jump away, wanted to get out of there lest she think he did this to her, but instead he gathered her into his arms, and raised his eyes to the sky. If there was ever a time he needed help… he reached for his broom, and felt a sharp tug from somewhere behind his navel.

            Everything blurred, and suddenly he was in the hospital wing, holding Radixa in his arms. He looked up in shock into the face of Professor Albus Dumbledore, the Dark Arts Master, and Madame Pomfrey, a young and pretty woman with soft brown eyes. They both were trying to hide the fact that they were frightened.

            "Professor," Severus began. "I swear I didn't…"

            "I know." Dumbledore said, holding up a hand. "But this is out of my jurisdiction. Professor Dippet will be in when Miss Laetitia has been treated."

            Radixa groaned as Severus lowered her gently onto the cot. She looked up at him, not recognizing him, and shut her eyes again. Tears streaked her face, leaving stripes of clean through the grime and blood. She seemed not to know where she was. "Mr. Snape," Dumbledore said gently. "Get yourself to bed. We will attend to her now." He put a hand on the boy's shoulder. "She will be safe now."

            Severus stepped back from the bed. His heart felt as if it had been shoved into his throat, and he could barely breathe. "Go, child," Dumbledore said again, as Poppy Pomfrey bent over Radixa. They both were trying to hide the fact that they were frightened.

            "Professor," Severus began. "I swear I didn't…"

            "I know." Dumbledore said, holding up a hand. "But this is out of my jurisdiction. Professor Dippet will be in when Miss Laetitia has been treated."

            Radixa groaned as Severus lowered her gently onto the cot. She looked up at him, not recognizing him, and shut her eyes again. Tears streaked her face, leaving stripes of clean through the grime and blood. She seemed not to know where she was. "Mr. Snape," Dumbledore said gently. "Get yourself to bed. We will attend to her now." He put a hand on the boy's shoulder. "She will be safe now."

            Severus stepped back from the bed. His heart felt as if it had been shoved into his throat, and he could barely breathe. "Go, child," Dumbledore said again, as Poppy Pomfrey bent over Radixa. He steered Severus out of the hospital wing.

            The door to the hospital wing shut partway, but Severus did not leave. He stayed by the door and listened.

            "What happened to her, Poppy?" Dumbledore asked in a low voice.

            "She shows evidence of a severe physical attack," Madame Pomfrey said in a heavy voice. "Rape."

            The word made Severus sick. He had to fight from screaming. "And the Cruciatus Curse," Madame Pomfrey added.

            What is that on her hand?" Dumbledore asked suddenly. He moved her hand to look at the mark, and sucked in his breath. "Poppy, what is this?"

            Madame Pomfrey looked at the design. "I don't know," she said. "I've never seen anything like it before." She looked at Dumbledore in horror.

            "It looks…it looks like a mark of Dark magic," he said, confirming her fears.

            "Ah, God." Madame Pomfrey covered her mouth, eyes filled with tears. "She will live, poor thing."

"Oh, gods," Severus moaned, putting his head into his hands. Why didn't he stay with her when she was on her broom? Why did he let her fly off the pitch? Oh, gods, _why?_

            He ran then, ran to the Slytherin tower, wanting to die because he had seen her so beaten and then known what had happened to her… it was too much. Slamming the door to a bathroom stall behind him, he let the tears flow.

            Morning dawned on the figure of a young man sleeping against a windowsill in the Slytherin dormitories. How he'd made it back there the night before, he had no idea, but there he was.

            "Severus." Someone was shaking his shoulder. "Wake up, you fool, you slept on the window."

            Tom Riddle's voice was easy, confident. "Come on, Snape, old man."

            Severus lifted his head and Riddle grimaced. "You look like hell, mate. What happened?"

            Severus shook his head. "Nothing. Bad dream, I guess." Riddle looked skeptical but he let it go. Severus stood up and brushed off his robes, ignoring the hair in his face. It was always there. "I'm going down to eat," he said numbly.

            "All right, catch last call for food," Riddle said. "I'll see you in class."

            But Severus did not go to the Great Hall to eat, nor did he go to class. He went straight for the hospital wing.

            The curtain was drawn around Radixa's bed, and Madame Pomfrey was hesitant to let him in. "I had to give her a Sleeping Draught last night," she said anxiously. "She was having nightmares."

            Severus looked pained, so Madame Pomfrey stopped and opened the curtain. Severus flew in and snapped the curtain shut behind him. He needed to see that she was alive and breathing.

            He bent over her and inspected her face, every detail. She was strikingly beautiful even under the bruises. The dirt had been washed off, and she still looked a mess. She had a black eye and her lip was cut. Her cheekbones were bruised and her face was drawn in an expression of pain. She curled and uncurled her hands, the mark on her right hand stretching and distorting with her movements. She frowned in her sleep, and then her eyes opened.

            With a moan, she looked over at him. Her breath caught in her throat and her eyes filled with tears. "No!" she groaned. "No, no, no!"

            Severus looked startled, and then leaned forward. "Quite a way to come back into my life, isn't it?" he asked softly.

            Radixa stopped at the sound of his voice and turned her head to look at him. "Who are you?" she asked. "I should know you… and you're the first…" She sat back, too tired to speak anymore.

            Madame Pomfrey bustled in at that moment. "You had better leave, Mr. Snape. She's exhausted." Radixa looked without recognition at Madame Pomfrey too. But the woman was holding a tray and a bottle of potion. "Come now, darling, take your medicine," she said gently, and Radixa scowled horribly. Involuntarily Severus burst into laughter, which he muffled quickly. She looked like a grumpy six-year-old confronted with an unpleasant liquid.

            "I don't like this," she complained. "It burns and it makes me forget things."

            "That's quite the point," Madame Pomfrey said.

            "Why?" Severus asked suddenly. "Isn't that a little unfair?"

            Madame Pomfrey threw him a poisonous look. "It's been requested by certain higher powers that she take this." She ladled out a spoonful and Radixa took it, wincing.

            "All right," Madame Pomfrey said. "That's quite enough visiting for one day." She ushered Severus out of the curtained space and to the door, where she left him to go back to Radixa. He heard Radixa groan as she was being moved.

            "Who was he?" she asked the nurse. "He was lovely."

            "He is your friend, my love." Madame Pomfrey didn't always use such affectionate terms with her patients, but she knew what had happened to the girl. "His name is Severus Snape and he is a Slytherin. Will you remember that?"

            "Not now that you've given me the potion," Radixa grumbled. "Tell me again if he comes again. He's lovely."

            And with a small half-smile on his face, Severus slipped out of the hospital wing. He would have to skip his first lesson of the day, but there was still time to make it to Transfiguration. He darted into his dormitory to grab his books and sprinted off to lessons. The slapping of his shoes against the pavement filled him with something entirely unknown to him, something that swelled and made his heart pound. He would kill whoever did this to her.

            Lessons had never been so slow. Severus fidgeted like a child waiting for the bell to sound in every class. "For the love of God, Snape!" Minerva McGonagall, the Transfiguration Professor, recently reinstated in her position after a maternity leave, snapped at the boy. "Sit _still_!"

            Some of the students sniggered. Severus scowled and sat quietly until the end of the class. The bell rang and he sprinted for the Great Hall to get his lunch eaten as quickly as possible and head straight back to the hospital wing. He shoveled down potatoes and meat and dashed up the staircase to the hospital wing.

            Radixa's curtain was open this time, and she was sitting up and reading. She looked up as he approached and then looked over questioningly at Madame Pomfrey, who seemed surprised to see him back so soon. "He is Severus Snape, and he is your friend," Madame Pomfrey said once again, evidently used to having to tell the girl things over and over due to the effects of the potion.

            Radixa smiled this time, and then cringed a little as she rearranged herself on the bed. She held out a hand and Severus shook it, amused at this display of formality. He couldn't keep the smile off his face. "Hello, Radixa."

            "Hello, Severus. Happy to meet you," she said. It was all so strange, having to reintroduce himself to the girl who had occupied his thoughts so much since his first year.

            "No, dear, you know him." Madame Pomfrey shot an exasperated look at the bottle of potion on the side table.

            "How am I supposed to know that?" Radixa shot back. "You keep giving me that foul mix and it makes me feel like an infant. When will you stop it so I can get back to my life?"

            Madame Pomfrey sighed. "I know, I know. There is nothing I can do, my dear."

            "Well who can want me to forget this badly?" Radixa asked in exasperation. "And _what_ is it they want me to forget?"

            Severus looked at Madame Pomfrey to see how she would handle this. The woman simply shook her head. "I do not know." But Severus knew she was lying. He gave her a look, and the older woman blushed slightly. "There is nothing I can do." She said this more to Severus than Radixa, who sank back onto the pillows with a "hmph" noise.

            Madame Pomfrey went out to give them their privacy, and Radixa sighed. "I hate being here," she grumbled. "I can't move, can't remember who I am, or who you are, or anything. I'm supposed to take it every two hours, and it's _foul…_" She gestured to the bottle of potion.

            Severus picked up the bottle. It was common knowledge that he was a Potions prodigy. He inspected the label. "Oblivion Serum," he murmured. He looked at Radixa, who had a clouded cast over her eyes, an aftereffect of the potion. _If the eyes are dimmed, so is the mind,_ he thought. _Very clever._No potion bottle ever had its ingredients on the label, but he could figure it out. It was making her forget things… an infusion of lavender to give her peace of mind, passionflower for tranquility, sandalwood for purification and _exorcism_… that was what was making her forget things. Severus was startled, partially because he had figured out the ingredients so fast, and partly because… had she been _possessed_? Was that what Dumbledore had meant by Dark Magic?

            Severus looked in shock at Radixa, who looked puzzled. "What?" she asked.

            "Don't take the potion today," Severus said quietly, so that Madame Pomfrey wouldn't hear.

            "Fine by me," Radixa said, crossing her arms. "I've made it quite clear I hate it." She sighed. "So why do you keep visiting me?" she asked.

            Severus kicked himself mentally for blushing. "I… I found you that night… in the woods. I just… I thought if I saw for myself you were okay, then …"

            "What was I doing in the woods?" Radixa asked, frowning.

            Severus admitted that he didn't know either. Radixa frowned and winced again as she readjusted herself on the bed. "That's weird," she said. "I don't remember anything past being on the Quidditch patch and you…" she trailed off and suddenly put her head in her hands. She let out a strangled moan.

            That moan turned into a scream and Madame Pomfrey came running. She forced Radixa's hands off her face and fell back with a gasp. Radixa's eyes were red, streaming blood, and her mouth was working as if she was trying to speak. She jerked once, violently, and took a rasping breath. A hissing voice came from her, completely unlike her own.

            "_Beware, all you who believe in peace,_" Radixa hissed. "_One is coming who will destroy it all, and you will all die_." She turned the horrible, bloody gaze on Madame Pomfrey and spit. Then she fell backwards, and lay staring up at the ceiling. Her eyes cleared, leaving bloody streaks on her face, and she coughed once.

            Severus had knocked his chair over in shock, and stood shaking against the wall. Madame Pomfrey swallowed hard and went trembling to the girl lying on the cot. Radixa sat up by herself and looked at Madame Pomfrey. "What?" Radixa managed. She touched her face and saw the blood. "What is this?" Real fear filled her eyes. "What is this?"

            Neither Severus nor Madame Pomfrey could move at the point. Severus turned shocked eyes on the mediwitch, who moved to shut the curtains around them. "What did you say, girl?" The woman was clearly panicked, abandoning all former niceties.

            Radixa wiped her face off. "I didn't say anything." Her hands were shaking, and she looked up at Severus with her eyes full of tears. "Did I?"

            Severus nodded. He couldn't help it. Someone… or something… had possessed this girl.


	3. Part Three: Where Will You Go?

Standard disclaimers apply, my loves.

Source Of All Joy Part III: Where Will You Go?

            "O.W.L.s, as you know, are the preliminary steps in determining your ranking in your sixth and seventh years." Professor Dumbledore had begun his morning lecture to the assembled Slytherins and Gryffindors in the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom. "It is my hope that in this class you have learned your subjects well and feel confident enough to take these exams with the minimal amount of stress." At the sudden wave of whispers, groans, and snickers, Dumbledore simply smiled a little. His comment always got that reaction, but it remained a fact that his Defense students got nothing less than O's.

            As he surveyed his class, his eyes fell on two groups of people. The four Gryffindor boys who had established themselves as the Marauders, and a knot of Slytherin boys who, he thought, had banded together to protect themselves from the Marauders. More likely to protect that one boy, he decided.

            Poor Severus Snape. That boy was so hardened, and so jaded. He was exceptionally talented when it came to the Dark Arts and Potions; he had been the first to brew a perfect Veritaserum as his final project. His healing potions were extraordinary, and Madame Pomfrey herself could make no finer. Severus was a boy to make his father proud, were he not so hostile. Despite the fact that he did have friends, Dumbledore noted that Severus spent most of his time alone, or in the company of the injured girl in the hospital wing.

            "Hey," hissed Tom Riddle, from next to Severus. "Are you going to the Yule Ball?"

            The group of Slytherin boys all sniggered at this. "Of course," Lucius Malfoy said, half-sarcastically. "Wouldn't want to miss the social event of the year, would you, mate?"

            Arthur Lestrange, a tall redheaded boy, shot a look over at Bellatrix Black, who fluttered her eyelashes at him. "Well, I don't know about you blokes, but I know just the girl I'm going to ask"

            Lucius grinned, eyeing Bellatrix's sister Narcissa, who shot him a smile before ducking back down into her magazine. "Same here."

            "Anyone for you, Snape?" Riddle asked. "I've got my eye on that Ravenclaw beauty."

            "Who?" Severus asked, suddenly alert.

            "That blue eyed girl in the hospital wing," Riddle said matter-of-factly. "She'd be well enough to dance for a bit, don't you think?"

            Severus felt his fists clench. Riddle could not have her. He couldn't. "Oh, ah," he stuttered. . "She's… she's not supposed to move for a bit longer, I reckon. I—I've been visiting her lately to… give her homework and such." _Besides, she hates you for asking her for a kiss, remember?_ Severus banished the thought. Radixa had been in the hospital wing for weeks while Madame Pomfrey tried to figure out what was wrong with her. She kept having relapses of terrible headaches and often was dizzy. She couldn't eat very much at a time and vomited what little she ate.

Riddle frowned at the obvious lie. "Oh, for Merlin's sake, Severus. I'm asking her to a ball. It's not like I'm going to harm her." His eyes glinted maliciously. "I mean, come on, it wasn't _me_ who put her in the woods that night. I'm just a regular boy."

            Severus sat back sullenly. There was no way he was going to let Riddle near Radixa. He didn't trust him at all. He might have been a friend, but he was also incredibly crafty and ruthless. Had he not been so knowledgeable in the Dark Arts and so oddly compelling, Severus probably wouldn't have had much to do with him at all. He made up his mind to go to the hospital wing at lunch hour. Which, unfortunately, was in more than two hours. He still had to sit through Transfiguration and Herbology.

            The thought made him ache. Then another thought entered his mind. He did not want to go to the ball. It was pointless. But he would go and endure it if it would keep Radixa away from Tom Riddle. He could just persuade her not to go, if she was even allowed out of bed after that episode a week ago. No one had ever seen someone bleed from their eyes without spell damage, and it terrified him.

            "Snape, Riddle!" Dumbledore paused in his lecture. "Kindly cease your conversation or I shall take points off Slytherin."

            Riddle sank low in his seat, muttering imprecations under his breath. Severus was too busy thinking. He had to keep Radixa for himself… and then he stopped.

            _Where_ had that come from? Looking at Riddle, and then down at his clenched hands, he realized the reason he was angry at him. He wanted Radixa.

            That thought, too, made him ache.

            "I can't dance," Radixa said, looking at him. "Besides, I haven't been out of bed for a good five weeks, and I _still_ don't know why I'm here." She held up her right hand. "And I just discovered this. I don't know what it is." The sun had set outside, leaving a deep black sky. Gone was his plan to visit at lunch hour; Tom had cornered him in conversation, suspecting his plans.

            The skull grinned luridly at him, the serpent twining out of its mouth. It made Severus shiver. "Anyway, the ball is in two days, and if I can't get up for it I can't go." Radixa was being quite reasonable. "And I've got no one to go with."

            "Go with me," Severus blurted out, and then blushed.

            Radixa stopped for a moment, and then turned as red as him. "You mean that?"

            "I… yes." Severus was furious at himself for blushing so violently. But no point in beating around it.

            "All right, then," Radixa said, grinning. "If I can get out of bed, I… I'll be your date." She smiled down at her hands.

            Severus, meanwhile, was too busy being ecstatic that she had said yes to notice that Riddle was standing in the doorway glowering. "Good night then," Severus said quickly, standing up. He turned to go, and was stopped by Radixa's hand on his.

            He turned back and Radixa was looking up at him with those luminous blue eyes… somehow he knew exactly what this moment meant. He bent down over her bed and brushed his lips against hers. The sensation sent tingles through him, to his very fingertips. He pressed his lips more firmly to hers and then pulled back, leaving them both shaken. "G-good night," Severus stammered, and fled.

            The hallway was cool. Supper would be served in the Great Hall in ten minutes, according to his watch. He headed for the portrait of the knight that would lead him to the Great Hall.

            "You greedy bastard," Tom Riddle's voice was cold. "No wonder you didn't want me asking her. You wanted her for yourself."

            Severus turned to meet the bitter, terse eyes of his friend. "Tom, I…"

            Riddle stopped him with a hand over his mouth. "You knew I wanted her, Snape."

            "She's not a _thing_, Riddle!" Severus said hotly. "She's a person, and something's happened to her, and I just think…"

            "You think? Oh, you_ think_?" Riddle was furious. "What _do_ you think, Snape? Hm?"

            "I think you should leave her the hell alone," Severus exploded. "You _hit_ the girl, for Merlin's sake! On the train ride here, or don't you remember? She wouldn't say yes to you anyhow!"

            Riddle relaxed into his confident, easy smile. "Yes she would. I have that charm." His voice was smooth.

            Severus, being male, was immune to that "charm", whatever it was, and scoffed. "Riddle. She said yes. _To me_." He punctuated those last two words. "You could have any girl you wanted." This was painfully true; all the girls seemed to melt under Tom Riddle's gaze. "Have pity on the boy who has a hard time getting a date."

            The self-deprecation and flattery seemed to soften Riddle. He relaxed. "You're right, mate. Sorry. You can have her." Riddle flashed an apologetic grin. "Sorry about that." He headed in the direction of the portrait. He turned before he climbed in. "See you at supper?"

            "Sure."

            Severus was relieved to have come through that argument alive. Riddle was spoiled, and used to getting what he wanted, and Severus was glad he had given in.

            He went to supper feeling a little more confident in himself. Radixa had said yes, and Tom hadn't been angry with him for it. Wonderful. Maybe he would enjoy Christmas this year.

            "I can't go," were Radixa's first words when he walked in the next morning. She looked extraordinarily glum.

            "What?" Severus had been half-expecting it, but the disappointment was surprisingly strong.

            "I can't walk so far, according to Madame Pomfrey," Radixa said sullenly. "I'm fine, really!"

            "Well, Madame Pomfrey knows what she's doing, I'm sure," Severus said dejectedly, plopping himself into his usual chair next to her bed.

            Radixa sighed. "You know, I've been able to walk for a long time, and I'm not physically sick, it's just…"

            "Sh." Severus cut her off softly. "You don't have to qualify yourself to me, Radixa. I understand." He sat back in the chair. "This is why I can't stand authority," he said sullenly. "It keeps me from the things I want."

            Radixa laughed. "Oh, don't worry. It won't keep you from me." Her eyes glinted. Then she grew solemn. "You know, Madame Pomfrey said the last effects of the potion should be wearing off soon. I refused to take it any longer. I think she gave in."

            Severus sat up, instantly concerned. "And… and you'll remember everything?"

            "I hope so!" Radixa crossed her arms. "I'm sick of this."

            Severus bit his lower lip. "Maybe… maybe you don't need to remember it."

            Radixa frowned. "Why not? Don't I have the right to know? I mean, I've been here nearly six weeks." She adjusted the covers over her. "I've seen people much sicker and more injured than me come in here and come out good as new after an overnight." She looked down at herself. "My cuts and bruises are nearly healed." And it was true. Her face was almost entirely back to normal, save for one small bruise still left on her forehead near her hair.

            She looked quite pretty, all imperious and stubborn, wearing a white nightdress and playing morosely with a strand of that incredible hair. But she didn't need to remember, Severus thought. What he had seen was bad enough, and it haunted him still. The one comfort he had was that she was alive and well and beautiful.

            So he leaned over her and placed a kiss first on her forehead and then on her lips. "I'm going to classes," he said. "And I will be back tonight." He swept out of the room, already planning.

            Radixa harrumphed and reached over for her Potions textbook.

            It was snowing by sundown, and Radixa was restless, watching the wind swirl the flakes in a violent dance through the air. "How I hate winter," she sighed to Madame Pomfrey. "Not even Christmas makes all this cold worth it."

            Madame Pomfrey smiled and ladled out another dose of the Oblivion Potion. She left the goblet on the bedside table. "Don't forget to take this, my duck," she said cheerfully. "You'll want to enjoy Christmas Eve, now, won't you?"

            Radixa shook her head. "Not if I can't go to the ball." She was still upset about it. "I can't believe I've been here for so many weeks, and still no one knows what's wrong with me. I'm _fine_."

            "No you're not," Madame Pomfrey said, suddenly serious. "If you were, you would have been out of here long ago." She adjusted the holly in her hair. "Now, no more frowning. I'm sure you'll have some fun tonight."

            Radixa made a doubtful face. "The only interesting thing I've done is study."

            Madame Pomfrey laughed. "Oh, I daresay you've had a bit more fun than that." She bustled around the hospital wing, making unnecessary adjustments on the already perfect Christmas decorations. "You've had an awful lot of visits from Mr. Snape."

            Radixa blushed fiercely. "Well…"

            "You're permitted to like him, you know," Madame Pomfrey said. She placed a sprig of mistletoe over the headboard of Radixa's bed. "Not that you need it," she said, with a playful pat on the girl's head.

            "Will _you_ go to the ball tonight?" Radixa couldn't resist asking.

            "I suppose I will." Madame Pomfrey said. "After all, you're the only one here now."

            "Well I know it," Radixa said bitterly. "And what will I do when you're gone?"

            "You will rest," Madame Pomfrey said. "And you won't leave the room, and you can have some food from the kitchens. Just tap the table." She indicated the small table next to Radixa's bed. "Tap it with your wand and say, 'sustain me', and you'll have yourself a meal."

            Radixa nodded, absorbing the information. "Now. I'm off to get ready." Madame Pomfrey went to the big double doors. "You'll be all right, won't you? There will be house-elves here to take care of everything."

            Radixa nodded again. "Go. Enjoy yourself." She held up her Potions textbook. "I've got what to do."

            Silence descended behind the matron, and the doors shut. Radixa sighed. There would be nothing to do for the entire night. Christmas had a way of making everything turn a hundred and eighty degrees to the opposite. Hate and grudges dissolved into charity and forgiveness… order and routine became disorder and chaos, full of joy, just for one night. Boxing Day was for recovery, and then things would return to normal. Radixa wondered if she would have any Christmas presents.

            Just as she was getting absorbed in the chapter concerning magical stones and their properties in potions, the door opened. Radixa looked up and broke into a huge smile. "Severus!"

            Severus slid into the room, dressed in elegant black dress robes and carrying two packages. He grinned mischievously. "Hello, Radixa." He sat down in his chair and placed the packages on the bed. One of them was much larger than the other. Radixa looked at him, puzzled.

            Severus unwrapped the big package. It turned out to be food. "It's what we were eating downstairs," he said. "I sneaked into the kitchen."

            Radixa laughed. He had had this all planned out; she was willing to wager on it. "You look marvelous," she said admiringly. And he did: his hair was brushed and pulled back into a ponytail, tied with a thin leather strip. He looked happy, for once. She couldn't say the same for herself, however. She was dressed in a long white nightgown, her hair hanging loose and in need of a brushing.

            Severus thought she looked lovely, and told her so. They set to eating and talking. "You're missing the dancing," Radixa said. "You didn't have to do this, you know."

            "I know." Severus picked up a biscuit and bit into it. "I wanted to. And as for the dancing," he put his food down and stood up. "That can be fixed." He waved his wand and muttered, "_Symphono_."

            Music threaded through the air, and Radixa looked around in astonishment. "How did you do that?"

            "Some charms don't escape me," Severus said, grinning. He held out his hand. "May I have the honor of this dance?"

            Radixa couldn't help but smile. She got up out of bed and took his hand. "Charmed, I'm sure," she said playfully. She let him pull her into a waltz, spinning slowly around the room.

            "This is better than any dance," Severus said. "It's too noisy down there anyhow." He swayed her and dipped her, eliciting a delighted laugh.

            "All right, all right," she gasped a moment later. "I'm tired now."

            Severus helped her sit back on the bed. "Maybe Madame Pomfrey was right," Radixa said. "Maybe I'm not well enough to go down there." She rested for a moment and reached for the smaller package. "What's this?" she asked mischievously, giving it a soft shake. The box was wrapped in white paper and tied with gold ribbon.     

            Severus grinned. "Open it."

            Radixa looked like a little girl as she took off the paper carefully. It was a box from Straussman's Wizard Jewelry Shoppe. Radixa opened the box and gasped. It was a necklace. She lifted it up in astonishment. It was a thin silver chain with a pendant. The pendant was engraved with a symbol; one that Radixa recognized from a textbook. It meant devotion and loyalty. A photograph fell out. Radixa picked it up and laughed softly. It was a picture of Severus himself, grinning and waving at her.

            She looked up at him. Severus looked anxious. "It's awful, isn't it?" he said. "I have no taste, I know…"

            She shushed him. "It's beautiful. It's perfect." She attempted to put the necklace on, and he helped her fasten it. "I love it." She pulled him down into a kiss. "But… I didn't get you anything…" Her face fell.

            "I don't need anything," Severus said. "I've got you." That made Radixa smile.

            Then she showed him the trick of tapping the table for food, and magnificent cakes and pastries appeared. They gorged themselves. Radixa sat back. "I'm stuffed. I can eat no more." She watched Severus pop one more éclair into his mouth and smiled. "Pig."

            "No, growing man," Severus said, dotting a bit of chocolate onto her nose.

            "Well… it's all right. You're _my_ pig," Radixa said, taking his hand. She wiped the chocolate off her nose and licked her finger. "Mmm. Delicious."

            The clock showed it was well past midnight, and Severus knew he would have to hurry back to the dorms to avoid being caught. "_Evanesco_," he said hurriedly, banishing the mess from their dinner and present unwrapping. "I have to go," he said. "I'm going to get killed for being out this late." He leaned over and kissed her deeply and quickly. "Happy Christmas."

            "Same to you," Radixa called after him as he fled.

            Severus felt his heart pounding. God, he was happy…

            The scream tore through his very insides. Severus stopped dead. It had come from the hospital wing. He whipped back around and ran faster than he'd ever run in his life.

            Flinging open the door, he saw Radixa sprawled on the floor, gasping for breath. He ran to her and turned her over. The mark on her hand glowed fiercely red and then black, singeing her skin. She didn't recognize him when she looked at him. "Oh, God, help me," she begged thin air. "Oh, get him off me… I just wanted to work on a potion… not wanted… get off!'" She flung Severus off her and hunched herself on the floor.

            "Who, Radixa? What?" he was screaming to be heard over her panic. "What happened? What are you talking about?"

            The girl didn't answer. She looked at him with wild, hunted eyes and shied away from his touch. "NO!" she screamed when he reached out again. "NO, NO, NO!"

            At that moment the doors flew open, and Madame Pomfrey burst in. She looked at the scene in horror. "What is going on here?" she demanded.

            Radixa was shaking and crying. "Leave me alone," she begged Madame Pomfrey with unseeing eyes. "Leave me be… oh, God!" She slumped over, breathing hard. Severus moved to touch her, and found her unresisting. He drew her into his arms. "What he did to me…" Radixa's voice was choked. She clung to him like a little girl. "Why?"

            But she didn't want an answer. Severus felt her go limp in his arms, and Madame Pomfrey reached for the girl with shaking hands. "Let her go, Mr. Snape," she said quietly. "Put her on the bed."

            "What's wrong with her?" Severus asked.

            "The potion." Madame Pomfrey gestured to the still full glass of the Oblivion Potion on the side table. "She didn't take it."

            Severus looked down in horror at the trembling heap that was Radixa. "This is why you gave it to her," he said, his voice constricted. "Because whoever did this made her insane?"

            "Not insane," Madame Pomfrey helped him put Radixa back in bed. "He hurt her, Snape. He scarred her in unimaginable places."

            Severus could well believe that, remembering the way she had looked when he found her in the forest. She had been completely unconscious. He put his face in his hands. "Oh, gods… oh, gods," was all he could say.

            "You'd best get to bed," Madame Pomfrey said. "There's nothing more you can do." She covered Radixa up with a blanket and sighed. "She's going to need something more than we can give her."

            Severus gave Radixa one last look and turned to go. The necklace glinted in the light, and he made it out to the hallway before he started to cry.

            It was a long, lonely walk back to the Slytherin common room. He struggled to keep his face hidden, wiping his tears away fiercely and muffling his violent sobs. Oh, he hated whoever had done this to her. He hated whoever it was. He vowed that if he ever found them, he would kill them with his own bare hands.

            "Snape!"

            He turned, trying to dry his face, willing his eyes not to be red. Riddle was walking towards him. "Snape!" He stopped. "What happened, old man? You look awful!" Riddle steered his friend into brighter light. "You've been crying. What happened?"

            "Nothing," Severus said roughly. "Just let it be." He tried to get past Riddle, but Riddle blocked him.     

            "Come on, Snape. I know where you were." Riddle crossed his arms. "She's not going to get any better. You might as well just let her go. You're being a right fool with this." He looked quite unforgiving. "It's not like you love her or anything. You're just attracted to her."

            Severus felt his rage rise. He had no right to judge, nor could he know people's feelings. He shoved past Riddle. "Let me go, Tom. I'm in no mood to be judged."

            Up in his dormitory, Severus collapsed onto his bed and yanked the curtains shut around himself. His head hurt and his nose was stuffed from crying. His throat felt raw. It was nearly one o' clock in the morning. He closed his eyes, wincing at the sting, and fell into an uneasy sleep.

            The sunlight that morning was sharp, clear, filtering through thin gray clouds. It hit Severus full in the face, and he covered his eyes with his hand. Someone had opened his curtains during the night. He sat up groggily, and sighed. He didn't feel refreshed at all.

            He dressed himself slowly and went down into the Great Hall to eat. He was so angry, and so scared, and so hurt for the poor girl… he found he wasn't in the mood to eat. Maybe a bit of fresh air would do him good. He went back to his dormitory to get his winter cloak and headed outside, with Julius his owl on his arm. Watching the bird fly off into the thin gray sky, he suddenly wished fervently that he too had wings and could simply escape.

            A horseless carriage drew up to the castle, and Severus paid no attention to it aside from a passing glance. Several gray-robed wizards piled out and headed in a line to one of the entrances.

            The next thing he saw brought horror into his very bones.

            Madame Pomfrey and Professor Dumbledore were helping Radixa walk down the steps. She was wrapped in a cloak and her hair was braided. She looked exhausted and scared. They were taking her to the carriage. Away from Hogwarts. Away from _him_.

            "Oh, gods," he murmured, rooted to the spot. "Oh, no…"

            Radixa looked up and saw him. Her eyes widened and she looked away. Severus realized she had been crying; her eyes were red. She climbed into the carriage, assisted by the wizards in their gray robes.

            "Radixa!" He didn't know where his voice had come from, or the strength to start running, but suddenly he was at the door of the carriage, banging on it and screaming her name. "Radixa, _please_!"

            Radixa looked at him through the window on the door and started to sob. But she turned away, and Severus felt his whole insides collapse and turn to lead. He banged on the door again. "Where are you taking her?" he pleaded. "Where?"

            Professor Dumbledore pulled him away from the carriage as it started to move forward. "Severus," he was saying. "Severus, calm yourself." His voice was quiet, controlled, and Severus raged against it.

            "You selfish bastard!" he screamed at Dumbledore. "You're taking her away from me!" He shoved the older man away from him. "How could you _do_ this!?"

            The tears were freezing on his face. "You son of a bitch!" He screamed incoherently, his rage and his loss overwhelming him. Severus had never felt anything like this before, never felt so much confusion and pain at once.

            Dumbledore caught him before he fell.

            He never saw Radixa again.

            Try as his friends might, there was no cheering Severus up. He refused, and buried himself in his books. His grades skyrocketed because he never did anything but study.

            Tom Riddle worried about him. He was exceptionally talented and a valuable friend, especially when it came time for O.W.L.s. Whatever he didn't understand in Potions he could ask Severus. Whatever escaped him in Herbology, he could clarify with Severus. The poor boy was turning into a recluse. But he had potential. Oh, yes. Potential to be very great, very brave… very powerful. And that was what Riddle needed.

            So he stayed by his friend's side, and became his confidante. And Severus suspected nothing. He slowly (very slowly) began to let Radixa go. He gave up trying to find her after a long, heartbreaking month, and went back to his school life. There was nothing he could do.

            Severus passed his O.W.L.s with flying colors. He couldn't help but feel a small amount of satisfaction that he had beaten every single student in Slytherin, and was even able to ignore James and his cronies shouting insults at him from across the Great Hall. It was no comfort, however, that he had two more years to go at Hogwarts.

            The one thing that made it all right was that he wasn't alone. His Slytherin companions had rallied around him in their own way, if not entirely conspicuously. He had someone to talk to if he needed to.

            That was more than he could say for his home. He had received a short letter from his father, informing him that they had taken in a new house elf, this one named Timor. His mother was in "good health" and his father "busy, as is usual". The banality of the letter did not surprise him, but it hurt anyway.

            Now he was on his way back to that cold, dark place. The thought was not pleasing.

            Looking up from his O.W.L results list, he saw the Great Hall was nearly empty. Time for life to begin again outside of the castle. He headed for the door. The train would be there soon.


End file.
